When my two favourite snails abandoned me, overnight
A story of heartbreak. (Artist’s way morning pages: Day 78)
It was almost dark, I could barely tell the contours of the bushes. They were actually three rather large bushes, much taller than me. I could freely crawl under them and still have space to stand up in my full height once I was underneath them, fully surrounded by deep green foliage.
There was water on the grass (and all around), little pretty separate parts of water. Kind of like balls or bubbles. They reflected the bush in a rounded way, all of them in almost exactly the same way.
Some of the drops must have dripped on me, and soaked through my clothes, as I felt chilly dots on my head and over my body. I paid them no mind.
I was now back on my knees and palms, closely and very carefully examining a snail I just noticed, slowly moving along one of the branches nearby. I picked it up, lovingly, carefully. I’d touch it’s little antennas, and he’d move them around or shrink them. How fun! I really liked this snail, this particular snail! How slowly and gracefully it moves!
And oh — there is another one! I picked up that one too, and with a snail in each hand, I crawled backwards and outwards of the bush. It was almost dark now. I was ecstatic, and very happy. With the snails and with myself.
But the snails — my snails — were awesome! They clearly loved being picked up by me, as they kept moving gracefully as I turned them every-which way, holding them by their snail domes.
I was headed home and I did not want to bring them inside with me. Not sharing my snails with anyone. I carefully picked up an old jar top, put it upside down and very lovingly plucked a few strands of grass, for surely, that is what snails eat and sleep on, and I was certain, they will love it. I cozied up my very own two snails on that kingly bed and breakfast, and hopped upstairs, home.
When it was light outside again, I went back to see and greet my snails. To my utmost disappointment, upset and dismay, they had abandoned me!! Despite the care I took to keep them from harm, the bed I’d made them, and the food I’d offered.
Clearly, there was something wrong with me. Why did they leave me?! The now dried up and shrivelled strands of grass stared back at me, empty.
Now, clearly, I was 4 years old. That was the last time I thought of those snails until today, actually.
And the snails had much better things to do in their snail lives, than to chill on my plucked grass jar-lid bed, that I’d offered them without ever asking them whether they wanted any of my attention (nor having the faintest idea what snails actually like. I am pretty sure scientists are still figuring that out [no joke, this is an article from National Geographic!!…]
They were never aware of me, they never knew what happened to them when I picked them up from that bush. I now could only imagine their snail dismay at the occasion and, unsurprisingly, once free to move again, they of course, went about their snail lives.
Them leaving, had nothing to do with me, nor who I was or what I (thought I) did for them. My intentions, ideas… had nothing to do with them at all! And they were, most importantly, not my snails. They were their own two snails.
So then, many many years later, have I still not learned my lesson?
I am not 4 years old now, and not everything is mine, not everything must happen my way, and I am most certainly not the centre of the universe for other people (just for myself, maybe?)
The man I dated, wasn’t mine. He was (and is!) his own person.
If he leaves, he is not leaving me — he is going on on his own path, choosing to continue his life irregardless of what I did (or did not do).
Him leaving, has very little to do with me, and so much to do with him, his life, his own personal snail stories.
The first heartbreak I remember today, was delivered by a pair of snails. The ball had started rolling from there but today, now, is time to stop it.
People go about their lives, and sometimes our paths go together, for a time. And sometimes not.
PS. I am currently writing a NaNoWriMo book of 50 000 words. Check back if I made it! I have 38 000 words to go, before the end of November!!!!!